Grief

I promise I will remember and love you so much that I will not feel that you aren’t here…

As death took you far away

But you are so close, closer than ever before…

I am putting all our memories on my journal and here …

I am collecting your things, back then I had the fear of losing you

Now I am afraid of forgetting you…

Like how you used to walk.

Or your facial expressions, how you would laugh or frown…

I don’t know why are the colours around me so …

Why isn’t the world grieving along with me

As I lost my world…

As death took you apart…

I wish I could talk about you all the day

I want to remember as best as I can

I want everyone to talk about you…

I wish I could be near you

For just a minute or few…

You know how bad I am at it

But I want to hug and say that I love you

I know it isn’t true

But the world seems cruel to me except you…

You have found your peace… But what about me…

I want to remember you everytime I talk about life and loss

Your presence didn’t felt, but your absence is deeply felt…

I won’t escape from the grief

I want to remember you

I have so much to share

But this is all I can say

I love you….

There have been 3.4 lakh deaths in India due to COVID-19. We all lost our loved ones many of my friends lost their loved ones to death. I is been so busy because we didn’t had the time to grieve because like there were so many cases. As of now according to official data cases are declining and death rate is also coming down. But we can’t forget our loss. I lost some neighbors although I didn’t knew them much but I could still feel the grief. Also I lost my landlady. I used to stay at hers when colleges were open. I rarely talked to her but she was so nice to me she would send us some food during Ramzaan. She would talk to me like I was her friend she would talk about everything her family, her daughters and her daughter’s in laws.

This second wave of covid- 19 was so fast and stressful. I remember breaking down during lunch and telling my father not to go out. I was so afraid and I still am.

We should teach our generations how to be critical thinkers because we the people all around the world keep choosing the leaders that don’t do much about the things that actually matter. We should practice critical thinking. And always question everything and anything that is going around. We make the world and we should keep making it. It isn’t like give the charge to some people and live freely we humans are in billions we can make and break anything we want collectively. Let’s remember everyone we lost because of violence, because of covid- 19 , because of riots, because of poverty, because of things that didn’t make sense, let’s remember every innocent life that left us… They deserved a different kind of world, we owe them our voice…

Womanly-1 {Menarche of a kashmiri girl (when I had my 1st menstrual bleeding)}

Hey! How are you doing!

So today is 28th may and of course menstrual hygiene day so I thought to write some of my period stories, write down my 1st period memory and some hygiene habits and a lot of fun incidents 🤣 and at the same time patriachial and sad incidents . I have never really opened up about it not because I felt caged, scared or shameful… ( In that case I am so shameless but I hardly talk🤣) just because I didn’t felt the need to talk. I was a bit hesitant to talk till I finished my school so I would talk about periods and menstruation whenever I needed but not beyond that. We had all the reproductive health and things in our syllabus and our science teacher taught us very well and in combined class… Hats off to our science teacher Basit sir.

I was in class 7th when I got my 1st period (Menarche) In the year 2012 Or 2013. No it was November 2012 right few days after my 11th birthday. My cousin got married that year on 16th November 2012 and 15th November was my birthday so after coming back from my cousin’s wedding I was a bit tired and sleepy in school. Those were 1st days on class 7th Because in Jammu and Kashmir an academic session lasts from October to October. So I remember the day though with somethings fading away and in blur so I thought let’s write it down and save it on the internet because it is so special 💖. Honestly there were some days some seasons in my life when I didn’t like being woman and off course I was of younger age back then and that is a separate issue so coming back to my 1st period! So I remember It was starting to decrease daily temperatures so I was wearing two trousers inner one a warm and outer one was my uniform. I didn’t feel anything or maybe I don’t remember but I was so tired when I came back home and just threw my bag on side went upstairs in our room and after taking rest changed clothes and woah my nightmare. I didn’t had studied anything about menstrual cycle back then but My mother used to tell me about it but not that often. I began calling my mother from my room and I was crying I thought something is wrong with me I was pretty young and maybe my cycle started a bit earlier later in higher classes when we would talk about our 1st periods I was the one who got it earlier (I have always been way too ahead of others 🤣🤣) Ammi has always been a bit more strict than other moms And she still is so we never had a mother daughter friendship though we opened up to each other many times but not that often. I wonder isn’t it strange and ironic that the most open and vulnerable bonds aren’t within our own family. So my mom told me this is menstrual cycle and now I am going to bleed every month on the same date for almost upto 60th birthday. I was frightened I felt caged, scared and I felt like I lost my freedom I felt like I am no longer a child I can’t play now and how am I going to school now! I felt embarrassing… I was like what will happen next… every month I will be sick for 5 days and me never missing school it felt terrible like the world put a huge responsibility and pressure on me. I remember thinking how am I going to stop the flow now! So my mom got me some new underwear and a cotton piece of cloth to use as pad back in the days I didn’t used pads. I was the elder child and elder daughter so I had to figure out myself because neither mom was so open nor were my cousins and I was so afraid to tell anyone 😅 Ahhh little poor Mohsinah okay this isn’t funny it is awesome that I am exactly remembering what I was feeling I thought I had forgot about it… But once I began to write a movie is running in my mind 😊 (I never really forget things particularly the ones that are important for me) . Back in the days my paternal grandparents were alive and my grandma would give me milk and dry fruits and chocolates It felt good but at the same time I was like why are they loving me a little more! Then we visited my cousin who had got married and Ammi told her something I am pretty sure it was about my period because my cousin started giving me sweets and looking at me weirdly I don’t know why .. I would often catch her looking at me… I remember feeling out of the circle in our cousins group and not talking much and like being silent and absent minded. I remember not enjoying the games we used to play and not playing because I thought I would bleed if I played. Months passed and I was losing my eggs my uterus was doing her cycles … I didn’t tell anyone in my class though I was pretty confident and head. Years passed away and I still remember girls getting blood stains and other girls laughing at them! My classmate would giggle when she knew someone was on periods. I remember a funny incident so we in class weren’t that much talking in any other language other than kashmiri though my father would teach me English and talk to me in English sometimes so some of my classmates were skipping during lunch break and one wasn’t willing to skip so our senior called her lazy and when the break ended my friend Iqra came to me and whispered in my ear do you know what in “doode” meaning sickness called in English… Yes we kashmiris call it “zanaan doud” “womanly sickness” 🤣 it is funny we call it sickness although it is normal… back to the story so I told her no I don’t know she replied it is called lazy I knew lazy meant lazy and not that active but I thought it was used for it too though the believe didn’t last longer but I still laugh 😂 so 1st year of my menarche was stressful and I was so conscious about my trousers and shalwars during periods and I would sometimes wear two shalwars so that no stain is visible. Proudly and thankfully I never missed my school or anything because of my periods. I didn’t feel that much pain it was bit uncomfortable feeling for 1st few hours when periods would start then I was just fine and I never really experience severe pain or PMS though after studying science and being now a medical student I feel like what is going in my body, unconsciously I track my hormones where am I in the cycle … Am I ovulating… What is my feminine body doing 😊… Back in the days I felt like people calling me girl is cool and people calling me woman isn’t good… Now I love being woman and being feminine.

Rest in next post! 🙂 stay happy, stay healthy and stay safe!

Don’t belittle it!

And love, Don’t belittle it

It changes your world

It is the only thing that can change our minds and hearts..

It makes you kinder and more humane

Love teaches you how to love, how to be in love and how to maintain it…

It makes you stronger and vulnerable

Don’t belittle it, it changes your world…

Love is kind, clear and transparent like the April air in Kashmir

It is soft just like the half molten snow

It is understanding and makes you understand others…

Love brings out the artist in you…

It makes you dance to it’s tunes…

When love will rule you, you will be a better person

You will know when you will be in love…

Love is growth, kindness, smile and that unconditional gratitude…

Love,

The only thing that can change your world…

Change our world…

Don’t belittle it…

Covid-19

As someone who is a student of science, medicine or nursing It is your duty to help people, to tell people where to get tested, and which test to do. You can’t prescribe but you can counsel people. People are afraid to get tested, hundreds of cases are getting undetected and it is worsening the situation, there are families who don’t know what to do, reach out to them… There are homeless people having no idea help them out… Let your soul bond with your profession… And keep the positivity and hope there inside yourself and around you! It is tiring emotionally, physically but we have to stay strong… And be hopeful…

Home

You aren’t in the city

And I am not feeling home…

How long!

And how long do I have to wait…

I am messing with myself and with others…

How long will it take for me to be sound and calm again…

What if I will die in this longing…

What if I will tell you I am done and I am dying…

I can no longer withstand this longing…

What if I say That I have been trying so many things for my emotional and mental health…

I have been escaping from my reality…

I am not talking to anyone on social media still I am active all the day…

What am I doing and why am I feeling this way, I am journaling, life is all good but bit heavy…

why am not I healing… Why am not I able to heal…

Look you know there are lot of blogs in my drafts incomplete and saved… I wonder the me like feeling and home like contentment no longer belongs to me…

You

You know I imagine us walking through the dense forests not really in search of anything but still looking for everything around…

I imagine us walking bare foot on grass with hands holded together

You know when you don’t have an aim or a deadline to reach to but you still keep going and going that is what I am imagining…

My life all the pets, plants, poetry, and art is an escape without you…

This all is an escape, from reality, from my feelings….

Before meeting you I was in comfort zone… And then you opened my heart to the world and to the endless possibilities and limitless dreams and opportunities…

Loneliness is a kind of comfort zone and hopelessness you took me out of that, Even though I am once again at that stage, but this time I know how to get out of it…

Love

You know it is so weird how easily we feel unloved and how much assurance we need to feel loved…

Hey Mother,

Hey Ammi, I don’t think you are ever going to find that your daughter wrote something for you I don’t think anyone is going to explain to you and why would they if even I can’t tell you… What was the need to write this if I could have told you… I know writing this here doesn’t make any sense because the person for whom I am writing this probably will not find this… Why am I writing this! I don’t know maybe I thought I should leave it for you to find or for some another mom to find it… I don’t know

You remember yesterday I took a picture with you when I was leaving for college, and you were reciting Quran in the morning when I recorded that… Today I was watching that video again and again… Just came into my mind how long has it been since you hugged me, perhaps you think I am grown up now, but I still need you at every time, you think I don’t miss you now, but I still wait for that call enquiring about me and my classes, mom why was the relation between us so different when I was a child, I know you do a lot for me, even you choose my dresses, I know you sacrificed your dreams for me and I know you lost your collagen and strength to your children, how selfish am I that I am still asking you for something more…

Ammi, my dear Ammi you know what I am tired, I am so tired not because it isn’t going well but because I am just absorbing random energies… Ahh I am exhausted I am constantly working for being better and perfect… I don’t know what is happening but I guess I am missing the connection between us… dear Ammi making friends hasn’t been a big thing but befriending you is what I am struggling for… You know what no matter how many friends I make and how many emotional and honest connections I make I still crave for the vulnerability and honesty between us… I have a dream, a dream to tell you everything from beginning to end a dream to cry in your lap and let out everything, let out the mess I have been holding inside. I know there has been silence from past few months. If growing up means this kind of silence, I don’t want to grow… I have a dream to be honest and vulnerable to you about my emotions and my life… Ammi I know I am not afraid of you but I can’t hurt you… You remember when you said radiations are making me short tempered, I was constantly thinking about it during my way to college… You remember how our dinner was filled with humour and stories… You remember how you used to dress and be active in life… Laugh a bit more because that is the only thing that satisfies me…

Dear mother, your daughter is stronger for others but always compromises for herself, Make her a bit stronger for herself. She is a great lover for others but struggles to love herself…

It is an honour to be your daughter, it is an honour to be raised by you in a perfectly imperfect home and environment. I may not be happy with your way of dressing me but I am so satisfied and content with the mindset you created in me … You made me a human from a home sapien… Ammi How do you manage to be so religious and at the same so accepting and open minded… How do you do this! How do you heal me from everything… How do you manage to make me happy and content by only your smile..

Dear mom, I hope you will find this and I will love being your friend and it is an honour to be your daughter! Love you, 💖

Tired!

Off course almost every blog here is so positive and inspiring I really don’t want to be negative but you gotta be honest how you feel and how is it going. Well there is a Turkish Song called Korkuyoram it says, “ is the life too hard or I am a bit more soft” Ahh how much this relates to me… Look it is been confusion, love, tiredness, hurt, silence… everything literally everything in life… I am a bit more sensitive and emotional than most of the people so things get really hard to handle… I am not saying I don’t want to be like this I am proud of being an empath and a sensitive person so proud that whenever I pretend to be normal I feel guilty of not being me. Because I am a teenager so I really struggle at being me and focusing on me. Did I told you I wrote “ girl focus on yourself” and now it is pasted here on my table and it is also my phone’s wallpaper. People of my age are so interested in their crushes and friends they are so extroverted , so talkative and so friendly. I can’t believe that they make friends in hours and here I am struggling to find my meaning and my definition of friends… Agghhh….

I prefer to be alone because then it is easier for me to be me… But sometimes it gets heavier the weight and load of unknown things… The burden of memories and worries, the continuous desire to learn and to be perfect at my work and studies….

I guess I need a break from mental work, from thinking! You know I hate concentrating and listening these days… I am tired I am so tired of small talks, I am tired of this noise everywhere, I am tired of my search for the hope, I am tired of staying focused I guess sometimes you don’t need to stress and focus too much your mind isn’t a machine after all it is a part of your body… So I am taking rest… Take care